Satire of the Lambs
by SmileVampy
Summary: When a poodleloving nutjob goes on a hide harvesting rampage, Clarice Starling gets some help from everyone's favorite cannibal... no, not Jeffery Dahmer... A parody. Ch. 3: Clarice Gets Ahead in Life R&R please
1. Clarice Goes to the Nuthouse

A/N: Hi, all. While on a super-extended vacation from my other fanfics (don't worry, Constant Readers, I'm starting them back up once school lets out!) I decided to tackle something a bit easier to write, but harder tomake funny (if that makes any sense...) I present to you Satire of the Lambs, a loving parody of one of my most favorite movies. It will be less manic than my other movie parody... but I guess this is due to the source material... Ah well, Bon apetit!

Rated for: Mild language, Dr. Chilton...

DISCLAIMER: Silence of the Lambs... not mine. Hannibal Lecter... not mine (oh, if only). The "Sexual Tension Meter" IS mine, though... no touchy!

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**Chapter One: Clarice Goes to the Nuthouse**

(FBI trainee Clarice Starling is running an obstacle course. Run, Clarice, run! This is an example of the blatant feminism that will be shoved down the audience's throat throughout this entire movie.)

**Audience:** (rolls eyes) Great…

**Clarice:** (huff puff) Female empowerment… female empowerment…

**Audience: **Ummm, you go girl...

(Clarice is now hurrying through the halls of Quantico. She spots her token black friend, Ardelia Mapp, whose role has been greatly reduced from the book.)

**Ardelia:** Yo, girlfriend! Wassup? (high five)

**Clarice:** (out of breath) Can't talk. Crawford needs me.

**Ardelia:** No prob. Catch you on the flipside, gurl!

**Audience: **That was random…

(Now Jack Crawford is debriefing Miss Starling on her newest assignment. The Sexual Tension Meter is set to "we're just friendly co-workers, really")

**Crawford:** Hey, Starling? You know Buffalo Bill?

**Clarice: **The cowboy or the killer whose been skinnin' fat girls?

**Crawford:** The killer…

**Clarice: **Sure do. So are we close to nailin' him?

**Crawford:** Hahahaha… you're funny, Starling…

**Clarice:** It was a serious question, sir.

**Crawford:** (ahem) No. So do you know Hannibal "the Cannibal" Lecter? (cue ominous music)

**Clarice:** The dude with the elephants or the dude who eats people?

**Crawford:** Who do you think?

**Clarice:** But sir, Lecter was put in the loony bin eight years ago… what does he have to do with anything?

**Crawford: **We've been making a psychological profile… interviewing serial killers and such… it'll be real handy in unsolved cases… (cough)Buffalo Bill(cough).

**Clarice:** Oh god, don't tell me the FBI is so inept it needs help from crazymen…

**Crawford:** I'm _soooo_ not dignifying that with a response…

**Clarice:** So you were sayin'?

**Crawford: **Well, Lecter refuses to help… and we really, _really_ want his two cents…

**Clarice:** So you want me to talk to him?

**Crawford:** Yes.

**Clarice: **Because I'm a woman?

**Crawford: **Basically.

**Clarice:** Ooh… when can I start workin' my feminine wiles?

**Crawford:** (hands Clarice a huge ass folder labeled "Lecter, Hannibal") As soon as possible. Be careful. Don't let the cannibals bite!

**Audience: **Literally…

(Now Clarice is at the Baltimore State Nuthouse for the Criminally Loony, talking to one Dr. Fredrick Chilton, who kinda looks like George W. Bush with brown hair...)

**Chilton:** That Lecter is one crazy, psycho, S.O.B. He's a monster, too.

**Clarice:** (looks around uncomfortably)

(the Sexual Tension Meter rises to "hornee basturd want sexeh ladee now")

**Chilton:** You're hot. Whatcha doing tonight? Cause I could show you a good time… (winkwinknudgenudge) (pleading) C'mon, I'm really desperate…

**Clarice:** Umm… I have things to do… crazies to talk to, reports to file… so no. Not in a million years.

(the Sexual Tension Meter rapidly falls to "wouldn't touch you with a 10 ft pole, you greasy, chauvinistic pig")

**Chilton:** I see… (mutters) Bitch. (smiles at Clarice) Well, come with me, then.

**Clarice:** Anything to keep you from staring at me like a piece of sexy meat.

(Chilton shows Clarice around)

**Chilton:** Blah blah blah blah blah…

**Audience:** Does this man ever shut up!

**Chilton:** He's, like, _waaay_ sophisticated. Plus, he hates me.

**Clarice: **I don't blame him.

**Chilton:** (pretends not to hear) Rule one with Lecter: Stay away from the glass. Rule two: STAY AWAY FROM THE GLASS. Rule three: Paper, not plastic. Rule four: No sharp and/or pointy things. Understand?

**Clarice:** Gotcha.

**Chilton:** Awhile back he ate a nurse's tongue and eyeball. Look, here's a picture!

**Clarice:** (completely unfazed) Oh. How horrible. And totally unnessessary.

**Chilton: **Well, here we are.

**Clarice:** Ummm… shouldn't you, like, not go with me? Since you're his enemy and all…

**Chilton:** (sigh) I could have saved _sooo_ much time and energy…

**Clarice:** Ah, but then I wouldn't have had anyone to talk to on the way down. And you're _such_ great company…

**Chilton:** Awww, shucks. (blushes and leaves)

**Clarice:** (chuckling) Strike one for estrogen… dumbass.

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A/N: Hah! You didn't think I'd give you the Good Doctor on the first chapter, did you? So... what'd you think? Is it funny? Should I continue? Please review! I have Lecter plushies! (complete with sixth finger, THE mask, and _The Joy of Cooking) _You know you want him! 

SmileVampy


	2. Clarice is Not One For Following Orders

A/N: Hey all! Sorry for the wait... but don't worry, this chapter's funny... I think. Maybe... aw, hell, if it's got the Good Doctor in it, it's gotta be good.. right? RIGHT? And Lecter plushies go to LucifersMaster, Lecterclaricelover, dreadlockedpencil, Siren Duveil, and anonymous peeps Agent V and Herself. I lub you all, and I could just eat you up "...but that, my dear children, would be cannibalism, which is frowned upon in most societies." Heh. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory... couldn't resist. Well, bon appetit!

DISCLAIMER: Hannibal Lecter, and all books, movies, and breakfast cereals associated with him are not mine.

Rated for: Language, innuedo, general sexyness, and Miggs.. who likes to wrestle one-eyed snakes.

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**Chapter Two: Clarice is Not One for Following Orders** (except those issued by Dr. Lecter, of course) 

(Clarice is led into a room, where the camera does a complete 360)

**Clarice:** Ooh, dizzy...

(She is greeted by a large, black orderly)

**Barney:** (waves) Hi, I'm Barney.

**Audience:** That's... unfortunate.

**Barney:** 'Member now, STAY AWAY FROM THE GLASS. Oh, and keep to the right, too. Got that?

**Clarice: **Yessir.

**Barney: **I'll be watching (points to a TV screen) to make sure nothing goes wrong. Although if he decides to eat one of your arms, we probably won't get there in time to save it.

**Clarice:** That's... comfortin'.

(Barney presses the button that releases the door to a corridor. Clarice takes a deep breath and starts to walk down it.)

**Crazy #1:** Moohahahah...

**Crazy #2:** (plots revenge silently)

**Miggs:** (climbing on the bars of his cell) I smell yer girly parts! (hiss)

**Clarice:** Ick. You offend my inner feminist.

(She reahes the last cell, which has a glass barrier.)

**Audience:** (sarcastically) Hmm, wonder who this could be...

(It's Hannibal Lecter. Cue hoard of crazee Lecterphiles)

**Lecterphiles:** OMG! Hanny is teh hawtness!

**Audience:** (facepalm) Crap.

**Lecter:** (to Clarice) How do you do?

**Lecterphiles: **Teh _British_ hawtness!

**Clarice:** Uhhh... (thinking) _OMG, he spoke!_ (to Lecter) My name is Clarice... Sterling, or somethin'... yeah, uh, can we talk?

**Lecter:** Crawford's crony, eh? (shrugs) Qualifications?

**Clarice:** I, um... yeah. (opens wallet to show I.D.)

**Lecter: **Closer... (licks lips)

**Lecterphiles:** (SWOON)

(With blatant disregard for both Chilton and Barney's instructions, Clarice does **_NOT_** STAY AWAY FROM THE GLASS)

**Lecter: **Closer, baby...

(Clarice obeys like a good little girl)

**Clarice:** (thinking) _Must not fall under spell... must not fall victim to testosterone-pumped, dominatin' male... female empowerment, female em-_

(Lecter walks up to the glass, revealing to everyone his gorgeous blue eyes that hardly ever blink)

**Clarice:** _-Aw, screw it._

(Sexual Tension Meter instantly rises to "Be still, my throbbing loins...")

**Audience:** Hey, where's his sixth finger? He had one in the books...

**Lecterphiles:** ...There are BOOKS?

**Lecter:** (looking at I.D.) You're not an actual G-girl.

**Clarice:** No, I'm still a student.

**Lecter:** (huffy) Crawford's giving _me_ a trainee? I am ever so offended.

**Clarice:** Well, he picked me 'cause he said I'm a girl well suited to your tastes... (winkwink)

**Lecter: **Right you are. Tastiest little piece of meat I've seen in eight years... I mean this in the most literal fashion.

**Clarice: **O.o

**Lecter:** Sit.

(Clarice obeys)

**Lecter:** So tell me Clarice... what'd Miggs say?

**Clarice: **He said "I smell yer girly parts!"

**Lecter:** Ah. I see... I, unfortunately, possess not of this skill. (sniffs airholes) I can smell your skin cream... and the perfume you're not wearing. Oh, and you had a Sausage McMuffin with a small hazelnut coffee for breakfast. Hold the cream and sugar.

**Clarice:** (in shock)

**Lecterphiles: **Smell us, Hanny! Smell US!

(awkward silence)

**Clarice:** Uhh... (points to a drawing of a building in Lecter's cell) Hey, that's pretty neat.

**Lecter:** Thanks. It's the Duomo in Florence, seen from the... BELVEDERE! Hint hint!

**Clarice:** Who da what now?

**Lecter:** (sigh) Never mind.

**Clarice:** So, umm... you wanna do this questionaire thingy?

**Audience: **Gee, that was sneaky.

**Lecter:** You just had to ruin it, didn't you, Clarice? We had a good thing going, but you _had_ to go on and ruin it.

**Clarice:** (thinking) _Damn, he's good. I'm goona have to go to "Plan B" _(unbuttons the first three buttons of her blouse)_ There we go._

**Lecter:** Why do they call him Buffalo Breast- err... Bill, Clarice?

**Clarice:** (smirking) Somethin' to do with a really bad cowboy joke.

**Lecter:** Why does he do it, Clarice?

**Clarice:** Hell if I know. (shrugs) Probably gets off on it. Most crazies do.

**Lecter:** I didn't.

**Clarice:** You ate 'em. Same difference.

(Lecter silently mulls this over. Sexual Tension Meter climbs to: "I wouldn't mind eating _you_, Agent Starling...")

**Lecter:** (defeated, raises an eyebrow) Might I see this questionnaire? Send it through.

(Clarice obeys)

**Lecter:** (flipping through it) This is rather blunt... (reading) "Do you think the things you did were wrong? Did you ever gain sexual gratification from killing one of your victims? Do you consider yourself to be a crazy ass mo' fo?" (to Clarice) I'm more complicated than this, Agent Starling...

**Lecterphiles:** Yeah, how dar u undurmine sexeh Hanny's intelliginse! (shake angry fists of rage)

**Clarice: **Of course you are! I just thought, you know... since your knowledge is so vast and all...

**Lecter:** Buttering me up will get you nowhere.

**Clarice:** Sorry.

**Lecter:** You want to know what you are? (imitating Clarice) Yer nuthin' but a well-groomed, white-trash hick!

**Clarice:** I also have daddy issues!

**Lecter:** (shrugs) I figured that was redundant.

**Clarice: **(is, like. totally pissed) Hey, why don't you step back and take a look at yourself? Unless you're afraid to. Are we a fraidy cat, Dr. Lecter?

**Audience:** BURN!

**Lecter:** ...I eat people's livers! (slurpslurpslurpslurpslurp!)

**Clarice:** (is, like, seriously freaked) You're crazy.

**Lecter:** You know it, baby. (pause) You run along now... I'm beginning to tire of our conversation.

**Clarice:** Uhh... okay. (Clarice obeys)

(With further disregard to Barney's instructions, Clarice strays to the left)

**Miggs:** (in bed) I bit my wrist... cus I'm crazy!

**Clarice:** Wha-?

**Miggs:** Just kidding! Here, catch! (flings his man juices at Clarice)

**Clarice:** (clawing at her hair) Eww! OMG gross!

**Miggs: **Ooh-ooh-aah-aah-aah! (jumps up and down, like a monkey)

(All hell breaks loose)

**Crazy #1:** Miggs, you dumbass! Now we won't be able to ogle at her anymore cause she won't want to come back!

**Crazy #2:** Urhuhunhuruh... (He concurs)

**Lecter: **Agent Starling! Get your ass over here!

**Clarice:** (obeys) What is it, Doctor Lecter?

**Lecter: **That was terribly rude of him.

**Clarice:** (presses herself against the glass) Really? Y'think so?

(Sexual Tension Meter: If this invisible barrier wasn't separating our sexy, lust-filled bodies, we'd jump each other in a heartbeat)

**Lecter:** Yes. Rudeness is disgusting.

**Clarice:** So will you be polite and take the test?

**Lecter:** Yeah... no. But I will help you get what you really love...

**Clarice:** (pawing at the glass) You?

**Lecter:** Ummm. Advancement?

**Clarice:** Oh yeah, that too!

**Lecter:** (ahem) Your self. Miss Mofet.

**Clarice: **Huh?

**Lecter:** Go, before Miggs starts whacking off again.

**Clarice:** (doesn't move an inch)

**Lecter:** GO NOW!

**Lecterphiles:** Ooh, liek so forceful!

(Clarice obeys)

**Lecter:** Heh. Strike one for testosterone...

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A/N: Was it any good? What do you think of the Lecterphiles? Your inpupt is much appreciated so... Review review review! (bribes you with Lecter plushies) 

SmileVampy


	3. Clarice Gets Ahead in Life

A/N: Hey, sorry for the 6-month wait (grins sheepishly)... writer's block and school, you know. Can you ever forgive me? Anyway, Satire of the Lambs is back. See Clarice cry! See Clarice search for clues! See Clarice have an appalling lack of nursery rhyme knowlege! Lecter plushies go out to **protest.riot, Quite Silent, Flash Bandita, Squirrelly Rath, Kathryn M.B. Denson, starling, anonymoose, and Shale 101**, the newest reviewers.

As for **Readmylips!**, sorry that you "fund it" offensive and think I am degrading Mr. Harris and Mr. Demme's work... but I am writing this parody not for laughs (albeit they _are_ a nice bonus), but because I _love_ Silence of the Lambs... it is one of my most favorite movies. This lowly parody is but a tribute, an appreciation, if you will. Rest assured, readers.. I will never, _never_ write a parody on a movie I do not like. Ever.

Glad I got that off my chest...

Rated for: Language, naughty thoughts

DISCLAIMER: Dr. Lecter and all related persons are not my brilliant brainchildren. The obscure pop culture things refered to within belong to their respective owners (read: not me)

* * *

**Chapter Three: Clarice Gets Ahead in Life**

(Clarice hauls ass out of the Baltimore Loony Bin)

**Clarice:** Whoa. That was freaky. Freaky enough to initiate a flashback sequence, that is.

(Cue flashback)

_(Prepubescent Clarice sneaks up on her Southern-fried father, who's a cop)_

_**Mr. Starling:** Howdy, Clarice._

_**Prepubescent Clarice: **I wuv yoo, Daddy! (jumps into his arms)_

_**Mr. Starling:** Aw, shucks... I love you too, dumplin'!_

_(Sexual Tension Meter: Eww... you psychoanalytical pervs! Y'all been hangin' around Dr. Lecter too long... an Oedipus complex this is not!)_

_**Prepubescent Clarice:** Y'catch any baddies, Daddy?_

_**Mr. Starling:** Naw, not today... but I figure they'll get me soon enough..._

_**Prepubescent Clarice:** Whatcha say, Daddy?_

_**Mr. Starling:** Nuthin' pumpkin..._

(End flashback)

**Clarice:** OMG so sad... (sobs uncontrolably)

**Audience:** So... what was the whole point of this scene?

**Director Jonathan Demme:** To show Clarice's inner turmoil, of course!

**Audience: **Riiiiight...

(Cue Montage. Author's Note: This scene is ten times funnier if you have the "Montage Song" from Team America stuck in your head...)

(Clarice, runs, jumps, and makes julienne fries)

**Clarice:** (being all kinds of awesome) Feminine power, w00t!

(In the next bit, Clarice attempts to hold up "criminals" in a simulation thing... while listening to "Electric Slide" on her new iPod.)

**Clarice:** (singing) Ev'rybody-clap-yo-hands!

"**Criminals:"**...?

**Clarice: **Uh... Everybody FREEZE!

**Some Instructor:** You didn't check your blind spot!

**Clarice:** Huh?

**Some Instructor:** Bang bang... simulated death by foreshadowing!

**Clarice: **Damn it.

(Clarice sits at a desk and looks at old newspaper articles featuring Hannibal Lecter)

**Clarice:** I'm totally _not_ obsessed with him or nuthin'... just doin' a standard research proceedure.

(Sexual Tension Meter rises to: I lie... He is the hottest thing since Jesus created the Internet.)

**Audience:** Uh-huh...

(Clarice reads a snippet on how the Good Doctor cooked some dude and served him to some musicians)

**Clarice:** (chuckling) Dr. Lecter, you sly devil...

(A random Lecterphile pops in disguised as a nerdy girl)

**Lecterphile:** Ms. Starling? Telephone.

**Clarice:** (jumps) Ooh, thankies! (runs off)

(Lecterphile goes all shifty-eyed)

**Lecterphile:** (whistling innocently, hops onto Clarice's chair and reads articles) Oh baby oh baby oh baby... (drool)

(Clarice picks up the phone)

**Clarice:** ...Hello?

**Crawford:** Hey, Clarice... you'll never guess what happened today!

**Clarice:** Oh, did you find Buffalo Bill?

**Crawford:** Starling, you crack me up. No, Miggs is dead.

**Clarice:** OMGWTF!

**Crawford:** My sentiments exactly.

**Clarice:** But... how?

**Crawford:** Dr. Lecter was whispering to him all afternoon, making him cry. Next thing the orderlies knew, Miggs had swallowed his tongue. Tough break, huh?

**Clarice: **(pretends to be sad) I-I-I don't know how to feel...

**Crawford:** You don't feel... FBI, remember? Now, what do you have on Lecter's leads?

**Clarice:** "Miss Mofet" didn't bring up much, although we did find a restaurant in the Bronx called "Curds and Whey."

**Crawford:** (sigh) That's Little Miss _Muffet_, you 'tard. Anything on "yourself"?

**Clarice: **At first glance, it seems like jus' a lame pun... but I checked out a few places in Baltimore, and it turns out to be an even lamer pun than I thought. "Your Self Storage."

(pause)

**Crawford:** Wow. That _is _pretty lame.

**Clarice:** You're tellin' me.

(longer pause)

**Crawford:** What are you waiting for? Get a move on, missy!

**Clarice:** You're makin' me go alone? Can't you get someone to come with?

**Crawford:** What, and waste one of my good men? Fat chance; this is women's work.

**Clarice:** (mumblegrumble)

(Grudgingly, Clarice goes to Your Self Storage, where she is led to Unit 31 by the owner, an itty-bitty Jewish man)

**Little Jewish Man:** Oy, for ten years this thing has been leased to a Hester Mofet.

**Clarice:** (thinking) _Hmmm... an assumed name utilizin' both literary _and_ nursery rhyme allusions? Brilliance._ (out loud) So no one's been in here since 1980?

**Little Jewish Man:** Beats me. My customers enjoy their privacy. Oy, you should see some of the freaky things they do in these storage units!

**Clarice:** (struggling to lift door) I can only imagine... Hey, wouldn't it be awkward if I busted in on somethin' freaky right now?

**Little Jewish Man:** (nodding) Yes. Yes it would. (watches Clarice struggle)

**Clarice:** Um, a little help here, perhaps?

**Little Jewish Man:** Ah, of course. Silly me. (bends down, puts his hands on the latch right on top of Clarice's hands)

(Sexual Tension Meter: Ooh, is the rest of you just as wrinkly? ...What? She _does_ like older men...)

**Audience:** (eye roll)

(Clarice and the Little Jewish Man fail miserably at trying to jostle the door open)

**Clarice:** (fed up) Gosh darn it!

**Little Jewish Man:** We could come back tomorrow. My handsome accountant son is _very_ good at prying things open...

**Clarice:** (thinking) _Hmmm... Jewish accountant..._ (out loud) No... this can't wait... (points to guy in car) How bout him?

**Little Jewish Man:** Hah, my driver? He is a fat, lazy bastard!

**Driver:** Damn straight, missy.

**Clarice:** Crap. I'll be right back...

(Clarice not only owns a carjack, but knows how to use it too. Feminine power at its finest.)

**Little Jewish Man:** (in awe)

(Clarice manages to get the door, like, a whole foot off the ground)

**Clarice:** (lays down) Hey, if this door falls down on top of me, or I'm trapped, or eaten alive by rats... (laughs nervously) This is my card. (hands Little Jewish Man a card)

**Little Jewish Man:** (takes card, reads it) Baltimore FBI! The things I get myself into!

**Clarice:** Call them if anything goes wrong.

**Little Jewish Man: **(shrugs) Maybe.

(Clarice shimmies under the door, and cuts her leg on a rusty thingamagig)

**Clarice:** Ah! Son of a Sam! Dammit!

**Audience:** We take it the blood is symbolic for...?

**Director Jonathan Demme:** Uh, actually, its just blood.

(Cue ominous music)

**Little Jewish Man:** (singing outside) If I were a rich man... biddy biddy biddy biddy biddy bum!

**Clarice:** Oh how foreboding.

(Clarice finally enters the Cobwebby Storage Lair of Spoooooky Knickknacks. Seriously. There's, like, a stuffed owl, a dusty piano, two full racks of armless manequins, and something that looks vaguely like an alligator. And in the middle of everything, the most spooky thing of all... A gigantic who-knows-what covered up by a very loud American flag. Very patriotic.)

**Clarice:** Huh... seems purdy outta place... better go check it out.

(She does. Ripping the flag away, she finds... a car. Who'da thunk?)

**Clarice:** Curiouser and curiouser... Well, I've come this far... might as well go inside.

(As soon as she gets in the car, there is a THUD as the storage unit door falls down)

**Clarice:** Ugh, it figures.

(Searching around, Clarice finds a scrapbook, a headless mannequin in a flamboyant furry dress, and something covered by a cloth)

**Clarice:** (sigh) Puh-leeze. Again with the coverings? Nothing can surprise me now... (lifts cloth)

**Head-in-a-Jar:** Boo.

**Clarice:** Eeeeeeeeeeee!

_To be continued..._

* * *

A/N: How was it? Still as good as the first two chapters? (prods you with Lecter plushie) Review and send me some feedback! Hopefully chapter four won't take nearly as long... Dr. Lecter will be making another appearance. Till next time, mes amis! 

SmileVampy


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